July is turning out to be a bit of a cruddy one this year. The sky looks permanently like a huge blanket of grey felt has been spread over it, and the rain fluctuates between ‘gentle drizzle’ and ‘downpour so intense that you’d be drier submerged in the sea’. But that doesn’t mean you have to have a lame summer! Here are my top tips for making the most of your 2016 summer months even when skies are dreary!
1. Pop to your local spa for a facial and luxury manicure. That way, it’ll feel AMAZING every time you bury your face in your hands when you think about how the UK has turned into a fraying, racist laughing stock in just under a month!
2. Dig out that beautiful notepaper and correspondence set you got for Christmas three years ago, and write a long letter to Angela Merkel apologising on behalf of England for everything that’s happened, and begging her to let you stay in Germany and to make sure your EU-citizen friends get to stay in their UK homes.
3. Get scrapbooking. Why not buy a set of newspapers each morning and make a daily scrapbook of the latest heartcrushing tragedy! After all, when things get as brutal as this, there is no response which feels appropriate anymore!
4. Treat yourself to your absolute favourite cocktail! Then throw it in the sink because sugar is apparently toxic now.
5. Play a fun game of indoor ‘Trump’ with your friends! ‘Trump’ is quite similar to the kids’ game ‘Bogeys’, in that you go to a respectable place like a library or gallery and make an increasingly loud series of obnoxious noises. Unlike in ‘Bogeys’, in ‘Trump’ you can and should also punch people, throw stuff around the place and say insulting things to everyone. Also unlike ‘Bogeys’, the aim of the game is to be noticed as much as possible until the most obnoxious one wins all the prizes.
6. Make waffles! For a cheeky extra twist, before you cook the batter, sit at your kitchen table and weep freely into the raw dough as you think about the fact that iPlayer doesn’t work abroad anymore so you’ll miss the Great British Bake Off.
7. Cheer yourself up with a home disco featuring some of your favourite old-school music – like David Bowie! Um, er, no… Maybe Prince? Ah. No. Right. Michael Jackso- no, forget it, never mind.
8. Dig out your old unwanted clothes and see which ones you could donate to the massive refugee crisis happening across Europe! Then solemnly put them all away again when you realise that these people have been through enough hell without having to deal with a pair of denim culottes.
9. Turn your central heating up to max and lie in a heap on a foam mat for two hours, then tell your friends you’ve started bikram yoga.
10. Kick a cyclist. Go on, just a small one. Go onnnnnnn! They’re just so kickable, aren’t they!!
11. Start a comedy petition on the internet. It’s hilarious, plus it helps politicians to dismiss the voice of the people as a whole! ROFL!
12. Go to a museum. I’m serious, you should actually go to a museum, museums are great.
13. Clean the shower. I mean, you keep saying you’re going to do it, but you never actually do it, do you? Do you think it just stays clean by itself? Well no I didn’t say anything before because I didn’t want to make it into a *thing*. Look it’s fine, don’t worry about it okay. What do you want for dinner? No I’m not in a mood.
14. I don’t know, get some new jeggings or something, things could hardly get worse at this point.