Spam Spaaaaaaaam, Wonderful Spaaaaam *floats towards ceiling*


In Germany, the spam comes in the shape of clouds.









If you scroll down to the bottom of this post, you will see that I now have a nifty little randomised maths sum thing which you have to answer to leave a comment. This is so that now lovely human beings like yourself can leave a comment without me being plagued with the hundreds of spam comments I have been receiving every week.

Yes, alright. I know I’m not going to ever get any comments on this blog unless I really do pose naked in front of the Ritter Sport Museum or something, and even then the comments will all be along the lines of ‘Don’t ever pose naked in front of the Ritter Sport Museum – or indeed anywhere else – ever again’. And yes, besides the annoyance of the spam and the heartache of seeing that little tag (‘156 new comments!’) and getting all excited only to discover that I haven’t become famous and beloved overnight, I did quite enjoy sifting through the spam. I’m sure you’re all familiar with spam emails, but I wager not many of you are familiar with blog comment spam. It’s a different beast. It has much more personality, it’s much more passive-aggressive, and it has complex and bizarre themes which sometimes would make James Joyce feel jealous and confused. So, before I empty my spam bin and look forward to a future of a quiet, peaceful blog back-end where I can just potter around my posts and maybe enjoy a cup of tea and a bakewell tart from time to time, I wanted to present you with a few of my favourite bot-comments from the last few months.

**NOTE** some of these will contain weblinks. Given that you know I am copying and pasting spam content, I really have no sympathy whatsoever for you if you click on one of those links and your computer catches fire or whatever. Just, seriously, no clicky.

“My partner and I stumbled over here coming from a different website and thought I should check things out. I like what I see so i am just following you. Look forward to looking at your web page for a second time.”

Wow, thanks! I love knowing that spambots and their partners browse the internet together, possibly in a cosy evening moment with some wine and a bit of salmon steaming in the oven.The poster’s name is ‘Official Nike Air Max 24-7 Gray Black Mens‘ so I assume his partner is the Air Max 24-7 Gray Black Womens, unless he bats for the other team and has shacked up with an Adidas. Hope you look at my web page even a third or fourth time!

“Throughout the great design of things you secure an A for effort and hard work. Exactly where you lost everybody was first on all the details. You know, as the maxim goes, details make or break the argument.. And that could not be much more correct right here. Having said that, allow me tell you precisely what did work. Your writing is rather convincing which is probably why I am making the effort in order to comment. I do not make it a regular habit of doing that. Next, while I can notice a leaps in logic you come up with, I am not certain of exactly how you seem to connect your ideas which make the actual conclusion. For right now I will, no doubt yield to your point however hope in the foreseeable future you actually connect your dots better.
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This is like the kind of harsh but fair critique my tutor would give me on my weekly Eng Lit essays at university. In fact…Rhodri, is that you? You always hated my conclusions, you called them ‘weaselish’ as far as I recall. Seriously, though, this kind of comment is really common and I can’t get my head around the thinking behind it. Are they hoping that I will be so overwhelmed and impressed by the incisive critique that I will overlook the weird Ray-Bans ad at the end? Do they think this is the kind of thoughtful analysis of discursive writing style which most blog comments tend to employ? Actually, I may be overestimating them with words like ‘think’…

“MORE Palm Deforestation: Truth or Fiction.”

Whu…that’s it? Toms Sko, you had my curiosity with your interesting (possibly Scandinavian?) name, but now you have my attention. Is this the title of your dissertation? Can I read it? Please send it to me, I love palm deforestation and have always been wanting MORE.

“Write more, thats all I have to say. Literally, it seems as though you relied on the video to make your point. You definitely know what youre talking about, why waste your intelligence on just posting videos to your weblog when you could be giving us something informative to read?
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This guy is so right. All this time I have been using my videos as a crutch to avoid just sitting down and tapping out some solid writing to make my point. Maybe I should write about important cultural milestones, or local politics, or even recommendations for people visiting Berlin. This is one of the best things about writing a blog: the amazing collaborative feedback/discourse you set up with the entire world which in turn helps you to better yourself and your content. Thanks, Louis Vuitton Bag Discount.

“Today, I went to the beach with my kids. I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” She put the shell to her ear and screamed. There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear. She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is completely off topic but I had to tell someone!”

This one makes me genuinely tearful. Whoever wrote this spam comment has the most amazing mind for a short but meaningful narrative. I want to know more about this character, this vivacious single mother who experiences such precious moments with her kids, these snapshots of wide-eyed innocence bordering on whimsy, but yet is so alone that she has no-one to share them with but a complete stranger writing a vaguely angry blog about Berlin. And who am I to have earnt this privilege to share in her child’s first moment of experiencing the savage cruelty within the sublime magnetism of nature; a moment where perhaps a formative memory is created, a memory which will lead to nightmares and phobias as the daughter grows older and internalises her experience with her surroundings. Also, this is another spambot promoting Nike running shoes, so I guess I’m a little stumped as to how this touching short story would compel me to get a pair of men’s black Nike Revolution 2 sneakers.

Ohhh, there are so many more I might need to save them in the trash bin for another post later down the line. Let’s leave it there for now. And please, Real Human Beings of the world, do comment if you would like to say something about one of these posts; I read every single one and it brightens my entire day.

Rose T